music ramble schizophrenic tech

suburban war

This wall is not for the communicative!

And why color shift?

there’s a lot to take in here about my experiences with The Suburbs by Arcade Fire. i think you’d call it a synchronous artwork, as there were many different projects surrounding the album. i’m gonna briefly write about two of these, alongside the album itself, then i might discuss some of the existential horror i feel about suburbs.

Moving Past the Feeling: A Decade in The Suburbs | by Alex Chocholko |  Medium

i actually borrowed this album from the local library in Kävlinge, and i got pretty obsessed with it. it was so different from anything i had listened to before (swedish pop and the beatles), i really enjoyed it.

The Suburbs is the first concept album i might’ve ever listened to, or at least the first concept album that made a big enough impression on ~10 year old me to still linger after almost a decade. it’s one of my favorite albums, and while that is mostly because of nostalgic bias i think it’s still warranted. everything is subjective, but i would like to think there is some objective truth to it being an honest to god excellent album.

just the title track alone is a great expression of the teenage interpretation of the american life in a suburb. the modern millennial living in the american dream is further explored in other tracks, such as “Modern Man” and “City with No Children” (which are both excellent tracks), but i would like to focus on titles such as the title track below, “Suburban War”, and “Wasted Hours” when i discuss the suburban horror

the wilderness downtown was one of the first ones i really remember, it was actually it that brought me into arcade fire and the suburbs with it’s accompanying music track “We Used to Wait”.

i mentioned before how i enjoyed internet experiences a lot, that’s what internet should be about. that’s what you did in school when you were bored, just adventuring and browsing an almost indefinite amount of small interactive worlds.

it might just be the communist inside me who’s talking. can’t really put to words how i feel about how commercialized the internet has become.

a short movie, featuring music from “The Suburbs”

early millennials are very much influenced by the cold war and the economic disasters that struck them during their adulthood, i think it’s very much why they are like they are today (broken and annoying)

this movie has some very interesting scenes, i think the entirety of The Suburbs experience is played out in some alternative history world where-in the cold war actually broke out into full-on war. this would explain much of the background shit that happens in this short film, as well as many of the recurring motifs in The Suburbs (war, bombs and the like). it is also possible that those are just metaphors to broken friendships, while the movie just takes it a bit more literal. i still find it fascinating, and it’s an interesting supplement to the album.

there is one tumblr post i saw a couple of years back that summarize the feelings i have about suburbs. it explains very much the nihilistic viewpoint i have about it in the form of a short slice of life story.

nothing in suburbs feels real, shit like this story happens all the time in a constant cycle and it doesn’t matter at all. some people are born in it, grown up in it and died in it, and their life was in the grander scheme totally meaningless. the suburbs are isolated and empty, draining all life that might exist. all you can do is escape from it, that’s the only way out from it.

the suburbs doesn’t only kill life, it turns life into total mediocrity. you read the text and you realize how average all the characters are, and they seem to not grasp that. it’s what they are comfortable with. these events seem to constantly happen in some suburban families, can you imagine the mental torment it must be to live like this? how do you survive?

i know how bad my wording might sound, after rereading the text i realize that it really seems like i am looking down at these people… that’s not something i want to do. it’s not the people that live in the suburbs that i dislike, it’s the suburbs. it’s the suburbs. it’s the suburbs. it is a place devoid of meaning and life.

i am deadly afraid of my life turning mediocre, i don’t want the suburban life. it’s hard to make a direct comparison between american and swedish suburban living, but sweden is well-known for it’s isolated living. the difference is that the picketed fences that separate gardens and families aren’t physical, they are totally hidden to the eye to the average swede.

[21:54] : 
have you read about the “fun pizza”
it’s suburban psychological horror
[21:54] : 
[21:56] :
i hate it so much
i get cold sweats from reading it
anxiety grows in my stomach
[21:57] : 
Oh yeah I know that
[21:58] : 
i feel sick
[21:58] : 
its great isn’t it
its vault-tec level
[21:58] : 
suburban psychological horror, i hate it i hate it i hate it
[21:59] : 
honestly tho, fruits bop
it’s not the fun pizza that horrifies me
it’s everything else in the story
the fun pizza is just a sympton of something even more dreadful
the promise of the white suburban family life is a lie
it’s rotten to the core
american suburbia is a literal hell
i dread it, literally one of my worst fears
imagine living in a small suburban home surrounded for miles by other completely identical homes all owned by middle class office workers
your wife is neurotic, you are an alcoholic
you both hate each other, but stay because of the kids
the kids are doing ok in school, average grades
the neighbors having it a tiny bit better, which is always why every night there is a fight
about how neighbors are going to slightly more prestigious place for a vacation
and you need to one up them in a passive-aggressive way
it’s the mediocrity of it all that breaks me
nothing of it matters
no ups, no downs
it doesn’t matter
its a life free of consequences
devoid of choice
ramble schizophrenic tech


Recover Files…

the less known alternative shot of the classic windows xp wallpaper

this is a continuation from the post a couple of days ago about the infinite universes. there’s a cool internet experience that i enjoy.

internet should be filled with things such as these. would you call it an esoteric experience? unsure… i think esoteric is a good word to describe it, but there are probably better. it has a cultist-like kind of a vibe, but is grounded in mathematics (i guess)

more of internet should be like this, like i said.. less trash!!!!

good riddance


the suburbs

here be dragons

i’ve long had thoughts about similar infinite maze-like areas or dimensions, similar to a game with auto-generated rooms or the Backrooms meme. ever-shifting corridors or rooms leading you to nowhere.

House of Leaves has a similar concept, where-in there’s an impossible hallway in one of the main characters’ home. the door should leave to the outside, but instead continues forever into deeper and darker corridors and gigantic rooms.

the character becomes obsessed with it, and travels further and further while it progressively breaks his family apart.

i have bad eyesight, and with the early evenings being as dark as they are doesn’t really help while taking walks. usually i head downtown or to the local river while listening to dubiously right-leaning swedish podcasts or music, but there are some suburban areas that i visit sometimes. swedish suburbs (or maybe suburbs in the west) are so typical, always so similar wherever you are. with the darkness, my incredibly bad sense of direction and memory these suburbs become a maze-like phenomenon. you enter one point, wander around and suddenly you exit it and find yourself in a familiar place, but while inside everything looks the same. it doesn’t feel man-made at times, it feels generated, soulless, empty (thanks to not a whole lot of people being outside often). it’s like it’s always been there, but unexplored. here be dragons, uncharted lands.

arcade fire’s the suburbs explain the existential dread i personally fail to describe well. i really despise suburbs, there’s a sort of anxiety that fills me whenever i’m in one of them. emptiness? i will probably discuss the suburbs (the album that is) later.

i like using this blog as some sort of one-sided discussion for myself. it becomes like an obligation for me that forces me to archive my thoughts about some subjects, such as movies or music. i have a fear of losing information, another thing i might bring up later. anyway, i feel like it’s very good, even if it is totally personal and not really for public consumption. writing down my thoughts for myself has a lot of benefits.

movies ramble

battle royale | drama

Trim Processes’ Working Set

sometimes the general “asian” dramatization and character reactions was a bit too much for me (i say asian because korean movies do it as well. it’s just general overreactions (characters speaking and moving “loudly”) and similar cliches). it’s still a good cultlike movie, not everyone will like it but that is just how some things are.

i think the last scene before the credits summarized the movie very well, the last sentence really does a 1-2-KO

In this moment, what should an adult say to a kid?

you’ve probably already seen it, i hadn’t yet so i thought it would be cool to watch it. BR2 is apparently gonna bring up some 9/11- and american-centrism which is really cool. it’s the whole deal with non-Hollywood movies, to do whatever Hollywood won’t or can’t do and that’s appreciable.

meta ramble schizophrenic

what are we gonna write about today huh

Find a favourite from Québec’s finest!


one am

This gonna make them feel the way like Tony killed Manolo

i lay awake at night and i have this need to code, draw, anything that keeps me laying there unable to fall asleep

heheheh kinda sucks major ass !!!!
movies ramble

the emperor’s naked army marches on – the war, society and kenzo okuzaki

Everyone sees what you appear to be, few experience what you really are.

there are many moments worth watching in this movie without the knowledge of what happens. usually i would not care for spoilers at all, but i would recommend watching this one without spoiling it. some scenes are just that intriguing and sudden.

The Emperor's Naked Army Marches On - Harvard Film Archive
kenzo okuzaki

i knew some of the things that occurred around the pacific during the second world war, where most atrocities were committed by the japanese army against indigenous people and allied soldiers alike. the japanese soldiers were almost if not as brutal as the german soldiers, mainly due to the culture clash of ideologies. the japanese army didn’t believe in surrendering or giving up, and they saw great distaste in foreign enemies who did so.

this documentary dives into some single incidents that occurred, with whom kenzo okuzaki intends to find and reveal the truth no matter the cost

Takenaga incident - Wikipedia
the war

the documentary masterfully shows and handles not only two, but three different subjects during the length of the doc. first of all it’s about the character kenzo okuzaki. i call him a character not because it is a play, but because of how intriguing his history and ideals are. you sympathize with him, even when he does wrong. sometimes you will be almost certain he is joking or playing an act, but then the end hits you. then we have the aforementioned war and the victims of it, but also the effect it had on japanese society as a whole. that brings us forward to the third subject.

KOBE, Japan: Interview Kenji Kondo - THE Stylemate

as kenzo hunts down and tries to interrogate the old men he deems responsible for wrongdoing during the war in new guinea, the japanese society and underlying social taboos are revealed.

all of the men are all elderly at this point. they all would rather forget the war and the incidents that occurred, even if they were directly responsible for it. kenzo on the other hand cannot let things go. his intentions are right and pure, but do they make up for his actions in some incidents in the documentary?

ramble tech

decried deceitful december decadence dreams

Ashes to ashes, funk to funky. We know Major Tom’s a junkie.

yes it’s been truly horrible these past few weeks

from business in software reports and assignments every week to totally neglecting mathematical statistics i’m happy to announce that i released my first game since 2018. it’s playable at NEWGROUNDS and it’s one of the minigames in the arcade. very happy to be able to finish it, even if it took some crunch (polish game devs got nothing on me)

other than that, i am now 21 years old which doesn’t really matter much because the age to buy alcohol here is 20 so not much to celebrate in that regard hehe

oh yeah the consultant project flopped, so that’s great. and i also got a job at arm for the summer. very happy, hell yeah.

ramble tech

november plans

I cut the brakes on this car. Bye bye, nagging wife!

these are my november plans

  • mathematical statistics
    • do weekly assignments
    • attend labs
    • exam
  • business in software
    • attend weekly seminars
    • project
    • assignment
  • automatic control
    • do weekly assignments
    • finish lab 3
    • exam
  • newgrounds christmas collab minigame submission
  • consultant work (if it goes through)

gotta be honest. i hope the client for the consultant work completely diss us. i don’t have a lot of experience with react native, and i will not have time with much else if i have to do it by my own…

dreams ramble tech


from the roof top~somewhere in silence[sniper’s theme]

i’m still itching for creating some kind of a game, i had last year a will to create something akin to LSD: Dream Simulator, but top-down and showcasing my dreams instead.

a common thing brought up in my dreams would be trains and subways, so they would be in the middle of the game i thought about, connecting everything. you’d start there, and if you wanted to randomly go to another “dream” you would just go back there and take a train. sometimes it could interrupt and a random event would happen during the train ride, or that was the thought at least.

i never came too far with that game idea, mostly because of i wasn’t sure how the random generation of “dream maps” would work out… it’s always the little things that just kill all progress and will for me.

i’ve always thought that if i could work together with someone else i would have enough incentive to work… don’t really have the will to work on my own without a deadline and what not. as soon as i meet an obstacle, i’d turn right around and give up. it sucks.


in any case, i’ve had these spurs of need to create something big, multiple times and i’ve yet to actually to anything in the wake of these needs

i had another one just recently, but much smaller in scope. i thought that everything would be easier if i got GameMaker Studio 2, but that piece of shit costs like $80, and if i want to compile to HTMLwhatever so i can upload it on NewGrounds, that would be over a $100 bucks more and that’s just insane. so i cracked it.

i like to think that i’m a pretty smart dude, i’m pretty good and clean on the internet. i know what’s sketchy and not, and i don’t download mp3- and mkv-files ending with a .exe…….. yet i might’ve “”accidentally”” downloaded a trojan now >:)), or at least if i can trust Windows Defender. the crack works, let me just tell you that, and it seems it is pretty well-rated on the sketchy-ass forum i downloaded it from… and the author of the crack sounds veeerryyyyy reassuring when he says “it’s not a virus, just a false positive guys!”. yeah… i still got almost a heart attack. i’m so stupid.

anyway… this piece of shit software wasn’t even worth it. i am pretty sure i could do much the same thing in the old GameMaker Studio 1.4 anyway and i own that LEGALLY. another pseudo mind-obstacle that will make me turn around and walk straight the way back home

whatever, peace out fool